It’s been quite a while since I last blogged and there’s an explanation. I had a final, and right now I’m also studying for my nursing entrance exams which will happen this weekend. It’s been the main reason for not blogging, because I wanted to focus on the course I’m taking and do well. Thankfully, I did, so yeah!!!
I wanted to do a photoblog, and it’s a picture I’ve wanted to capture for quite some time. I named this Drive Forward or Reverse because while the picture itself doesn’t really show much of any locomotive vehicle going forward or backwards, the backstory to this railroad track is quite an interesting one.
I work next to this set of tracks and interestingly enough, it’s quite an active set of tracks. I hear the train come by several times during my work day. One day, I happened to catch a train pass. I love trains. In fact, I love any type of thing that moves, because it’s quite fascinating when you watch it move. Anyway, this train, it passes by, but then it stops as it partially crosses a busy intersection. ‘How odd,’ I thought. Then, it goes in reverse until it doesn’t block the intersection and later moves forward on it’s way. It was interesting because it wasn’t as if the road was blocked or congested. This happens more than once before it finally goes on it’s trek to its destination (where ever that may be). I wanted to show you a better artistic picture of this, but sadly, if you see my picture below…let’s just call it a failure.
It’s not good quality, and it’s on my smartphone, so…it just wasn’t worth putting up at all.
Now, onto the deep side of my blog. The reason why I named my photo the way I named it is because I often find new chapters in life to have such a fork in the road where you actually strive to move forward, but at times, you look backwards as well. The month of May for me, while a great month in many ways, is also a difficult month for me.
One year ago, I decided to start a new chapter in my life. While also entering a new decade, I decided after months of contemplation and reflection to move away from what I’ve been most familiar with for over a decade, to be closer to family. Leaving behind what you’ve known is difficult because it’s a change. But let me tell you, it wasn’t just a chance where I’m moving to something new and I miss what I had. Rather, it was a leaving that brought about a lot of tears, pain, hurt, disappointment, and later on feelings of regret that I had not decided to make the move earlier. You see, it wasn’t suppose to be this way. It was suppose to be hard, because it was new and uncharted territory for me. But it was hard, because the people whom I trusted, opened up to, lived with, got to know, sacrificed for abandoned me. Yes, that’s right, I said it, abandoned me.
I moved closer to family and lost a lot of friends. Honestly, if I had to really say, I lost most of my post-undergraduate friends because I clung on to them because I thought I could trust them. This includes a friend that I’ve known for 25 years. So in many ways, the pain and hurt of that is difficult.
As the one year anniversary is coming up, memories of those years came back, and it’s so easy to look back, be cynical, bitter, and regretful that all that time was seemingly wasted on people who “cared” but in fact didn’t. In fact, the most hurtful things came after the fact I moved, and I heard rumors of what others were saying. Bad ones. I’ve had my fair share of bitterness and cynicism. In fact, I even thought for the longest time that my biggest regret was not moving away earlier so that I can really grow as an individual, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. That is the reverse side of this picture, looking back and remembering all of what was.
However, I don’t believe in accidents or coincidences. I use to, but I don’t. I really had to take a pause in my life and ask myself — “Do I really want to remain in the bitterness of my past?” The answer is no. To do so, will only bring about my own deterioration, and that’s not what life’s about. That’s not what new chapters are about. New chapters are moving forward, not linearly of course, but the trajectory ought to be moving forward. That’s the forward of this photo. You see, the train that moves backwards and forwards, it does so, for whatever reason it does, but in the end, the train gets to its destination. For me, there will always be those moments of looking back and seeing what I’ve lost, the what if’s, and the whys. But I can also look forward, and I have. Since the one year, I’ve gained much. I’ve gained time with family that I didn’t have before. I’ve gained an appreciation for things that I know, but now get to see from a new window and lens. Most of all, I’m meeting new people who care about me, genuinely.
So it’s a process, healing from something like what I’ve experienced is not easy and it’s essentially, starting over. At my age, doing so it’s not always easy. Especially an introvert. Yet, there’s hope, and this picture, was taken in such a way so that you don’t see that final destination. We can’t read the future, but we trek forward while sometimes going in reverse. However, let’s move forward, new chapters or not…we ought to move forward in life. 🙂
Photo taken by Iphone 5 with filters using the PhotoEditor app.